How I Came To Peace With Coming Up Short

Michael “Sudsy” Sutherland
August 28, 2024

I find myself compelled to write about failure, and how it has impacted my life in a great many positive ways ever since I came to terms with my limits. I’ll start with some of my history, especially within the context of my late teens and early twenties in the military, shortly thereafter, and the present day to provide some context. Benefits of these hard lessons learned revealed themselves much later in my life, and overall, I’d do it all over again if given the chance! Finally, given my latest event coming up slightly shorter than I desired, how I plan to move forward with these lessons learned and what I desire to pass on the reader.

In February 2003, Senior Airman (SrA, E-4 in the Air Force) Michael “Sudsy” Sutherland had orders to Korea with a follow-on assignment to Ft. Wainwright Alaska, which was an Airborne position in the US Air Force Tactical Air Control Party (TACP). Orders came through for Airborne School (having put in a package that included three Army PT tests over three days, along with the physical exam and paperwork) while at the National Training Center (NTC) at Ft. Irwin CA. I’ll never forget being lined up for the final convoy from “the box” back to the “camp” area and my non-commissioned officer in charge handing me his cell phone to get the news myself from back home at Ft. Riley. With renewed vigor, I vaguely remember the convoy back (it was too long and slow, like any Army convoy), and then a whirlwind of getting a few civilian clothes at the post exchange, and a rental vehicle, and being driven to Las Vegas (the nearest airport…) to catch a flight home; and then get my physical orders and my tickets to Columbus Georgia where I would check into the Airborne School at, the then named, Ft. Benning.

I signed into Airborne School, got my class slot, and fell in with my class. While there I went through Ground Week, and proceeded to break myself on about day two. I was in denial, pulling myself along, hobbling in spite of the pain. By the end of the day I was about pulling myself up the barracks steps using the railing as my right leg no longer supported my weight. I do recall my Sergeant Airborne being rather proud of her thus far spotless record with having no students injured during jumps; something that came to my mind while I was on struggling on day three with the impact of running around and jumping off of various heights practicing that perfect landing form (PLF), getting more and more painful each evolution. Finally, that night, I decided to throw in the towel and go to sick call on day 4 in the morning (Thursday). I didn’t want to get hurt worse later on when the jumps were real.

I went into sick call first thing, and it was a fast process of a physicians assistant asking some questions, handing me a canned packet of papers with my possible injury diagnosis, and sent on my way. Had I been in the Army, or not under orders to another duty station, I could have gone on to stay at the School until I healed and entered a class upon recovery. But that was not an option. My unit was getting ready to invade Iraq, and I had orders to Korea which was considered (and still is) an active theater (with the Ceasefire in 1953 being exactly that, and not an end to the war).

When I got back to Ft. Riley, I was pretty dejected and broken physically, spiritually, and mentally. I wanted to turn down my orders to Korea and join the invasion, however, I was taken aside and informed that would be a ‘career ending’ move (in other words, non-judicial punishment at the least, Court Martial at the worst). I was three years into a six year enlistment after all. There was time left, and many missions to accomplish. Within a few weeks, my unit deployed to Kuwait to prep for the invasion, and I was part of the rear detachment waiting to fly to Korea. During that time, I ran into my wife.

While recovering from the injury, we struck up a conversation, and she helped me find out some very critical information about how I was running, and how I could avoid injury in the future. I took her advice to heart, and given her medical background (she was in Veterinary school, perfect for taking care of me…) and had a storied college running career (she ran at Doane College and was an NAIA decorated athlete, and one of the fastest women in her distance and age bracket, even against NCAA schools), it was a wise choice. Part of why I proposed to her the next time I saw her when I flew back the US for my mid-tour leave during my year in Korea. Without her advice, I’d have never run my first marathon while I was Korea, the 8th US Army Marathon; where I stole a trophy from the Army by taking 3rd place for my age bracket!

Years later, after getting out of the military up in the Fairbanks Alaska area, I ran the best 5K (3.125’ish miles) I’d run since high school cross country as a Senior a decade prior. I trained all winter, part of how I kept my sanity up North was that treadmill, and the weather was perfect. Out the gate, and through each mile, it was blazing fast. Only two guys ahead of me, and I could almost catch the guy in front of me. One last 100 meters or so… and POP. I felt my Achilles tendon separate from my calf! I was so close! I just kept moving forward until the paint was unbearable and I hopped across the finish line… I don’t even know what I placed. It wasn’t worth it. I felt something about mile two back, but wanted to push past it and finish fast. I was going to place damn it! Sadly, I never went to the doctor. I was too damn proud. I ended up spending that summer not running, barely walking, and watched the world go by. Summer is very short in Alaska. I should have called it at mile 2…

For me, these were two of the most physically, and psychologically draining, events in my athletic life (and brief military career with regard to the first one). However, both ended up being far more beneficial years later than I could possibly realize at the time each occurred. As noted with the Airborne school, I met my wife and ended up fixing a major physiological movement pattern that I’d developed in error due to lack of adequate instruction during my high school athletic career. No worries, most of us in school during the 90’s got the same poorly researched information fed to us about certain things like running and lifting weights (I won’t go into details, you can however bury yourself into YouTube videos and endless books on the matter). As for the second, well, I just finally stumbled upon where that injury (which still was a dramatic success given the 5K time…) has borne fruit.

Life, in and of itself, is an endurance sport. Setbacks are bound to happen, but if you allow yourself some grace to learn from getting hurt, you can get back to it. When I did the 50 Mile March for the first time in August of 2024, I only made it about halfway through. I started experiencing the same pains I had at mile two of that 5K race. After falling back, I ended up taking the medical staff’s advice, and just throwing in the towel. I don’t regret that decision. Thinking back to the Sergeant Airborne’s safety record there, I’m not a smear on that either. I walked away, was able to serve three more years (which ended up being two deployments to Iraq).

I will be back to attempt the 50 Mile March again. I avoided a potentially life altering injury at my age that I knew would be utterly devastating based on how it impacted me in my 20’s. I also remember something I forgot about Airborne School on my way out to the airport, while I signed out of the unit. The young private doing Charge of Quarters (CQ) was damn proud of his shiny Airborne Wings, standing in crutches; so proud there was almost a sneer and the “Dirty Nasty Leg” coming from his face looking at me. Sadly, he was on his way to a medical discharge from service. Airborne, but no deployments to Iraq, Afghanistan, or Korea. I kept that in my mind as I continued my career. Prior to Airborne school, I’d put in my time at Ft. Riley, and deployed to Kuwait supporting Intrinsic Action and Operation Southern Watch (training with aircraft from carriers, Ali Al Salem, and Al-Jabr Airbases that would fly missions over Iraq or even Afghanistan); after that, I did a year in Korea and finally went to Iraq twice while stationed in Alaska. I didn’t feel so crushed anymore. Sure, I’m still a “leg” but I don’t care. No high speed school is worth ending a career, or forever altering a life in a negative way through injury. Though, if you have the opportunity to recover and re-take the school, take it (especially if it is part of your pipeline).

I was fortunate to be able to continue my 50 Mile March journey after the setback of near injury through volunteering for the remainder of the march. I found value in such work, as menial as picking up garbage from the stop sites could be, I was still part of a greater cause than my own personal fulfillment. That is something I cannot put value on, and something I never would have experienced outside of the military otherwise. So, 2024 was a good journey training, doing the event, and even coming short of the full March distance, but I am proud to have made it through to the end on my own two feet, under my own power, no matter what I was doing. There is no shame in getting hurt, it is a valuable learning experience finding your limits, because without finding them it’s very hard to train to exceed them moving forward. Even if I’d gotten injured, the experience has value after recovery. A weak point was found and exposed, and thus, an area to focus on training for 2025.